Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Why can't women leave me alone!!!
I was at Boston Pizza getting spaghetti and the hostess, who was really pretty but ... A female, was ... Hitting on me so hard ... She kept trying to talk "Oh what book are you reading?" "Come here often?" Etc ... And I was being polite but not really paying attention, I was reading Moby D1CK for god's sake!! ... Anyways she start cleaning the bench opposite to me turned at me and bent at the hip, wearing yoga pants, and as she moved down the bench she changed her angle so her ass was pointed at me the whole time ... She even tied her shoes like that ... I was actually getting kind of uncomfortable. I a guy friend to follow me everywhere so I can pass the girls off on him ... "Come back when ya got a dick hunny!!"
Musings
***This was written on Sunday Jan 31st
Youth is something that I will never understand, which is strange when you consider that I am a youth to so many people. Almost 25, oh god!!! As I am sitting in Oolong, trying to read Moby Dick I am reminded of the vast gap between me and the common high schooler. Here I am trying to read a cornerstone of North American literature and here are 10 teens talking about Katey Perry. Now ... For the longest time I though that Perry was some black person before I was corrected by a friend who was ... Surprised? By how out of the loop I am. I am not really sure even where to go with that. I try and look back and think of what were the hot topics when I was their age but all I can think about is fixing a transmission in mechanics, sitting on my ass in Drama class, and getting disillusioned by my Sports Med teacher. I don't remember at all what we were talking about. Now admittedly I do drink from time to time so you could point to that as a reason for my deteriorated memory but I offer a decenting opinion. Maybe the things we were talking about were so profoundly pointless that they were not worth remembering at all. I have my doubts that these kids will remember anything about Katey Perry when they are my age, maybe they will actually end up knowing less about her than I do. Hmm ... Maybe I am not so different as I had first thought.
It is really hard to bitch on your blog if you have nothing to bitch about. Thanks a lot world, you are ruining my blog!! I really don't think many people read these to hear about what is new and good in a persons life but to be able to say "oh my god, what is wrong with Graham?!" or "thank god I'm not Graham!!!" you can tell I am very religious. But when you sit down with the desire to vent but have nothing to complain about all you can do is feel like a jackass. So that is basically where I am at.
I actually had a bit of a falling out with a dear friend of mine the other day, the extent of which I am not yet certain, but even that I don't see fit to complain about. Is it bugging me? Yes. Is it on my mind? Yes. But whatever happens with it I know will be for the best. I think the worst way to have a relationship of any kind is for there to be a lack of respect by it's participants. I was not feeling respected and ... In a convoluted way here I am. It is a strange thing to look on a past friendship with a bit of hindsight. You can sit here today and think, my god why did I do that *or why did they do that* and you can actually come up with answers. Answers that were completely separate from you just a couple days ago. Maybe living in the past is not such a bad idea, sure you will be behind but at least you will be seeing things more clearly.
I can't and won't say that I don't still care about this person because I still absolutely adore them but being able to adore someone and being able to get along with someone are two different things. In a very negative way I can vindicate myself by the divorce rate. Roughly 50% or marriages end in divorce, so that means at least 50% of people
have the same problem as me. Being able to adore someone with out being able to get along with them. It may be helpful to the reader for me to explain what happened and give more details but I can respect someone without being able to really get along with them too.
I have actually been doing my share of dating lately, I have been in the early stages with two seemingly great guys, and I am working to get to know them. Graham!!! Are you stringing two guys along?! OF COURSE I AM!!! If you consider going on three dates with each and not knowing who compliments you better as leading someone on. It is of interest though what with my semi-falling out with a dear friend to see how a relationship can deteriorate. Over time things change and like anything things can change for the better or the worse. 50% of those marriages, the successful ones, have their relationships change, time changes all, yet they still have the foundation as well as the new things to keep there interest and make them happy with each other. But the other 50% go through what I muse may be similar to my situation with this friend, who I will now refer to as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle since I tire of not being able to speak fluently. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and I started out as being inseparable and really I know that we have changed over time, when I met them I was still in the closet, but we had worked past all those types of wrinkles smoothly. It was actually when we both started to settle that the holes started to show, and ignore them as we might, they did not go away.
In such a matter I assume romantic relationships falter. The little things, the ones that truly make up life, begin to pile up and then voids start between people. I am learning quickly that things are best dealt with at the time that the issue presents itself. Jeez Graham, you just started seeing a couple guys and you are already talking breakups? Well yes, but I am very much from the learn from your mistakes school of thought. Although it may take a while for a lesson to truly sink in, when it is in it stays in. So when I think about this possibly failed friendship in terms of foresight to future successes and failures then it is a very worth while lesson to learn, and a day that I learn something is a good day.
I may push people away from being confrontational with things that are not yet an issue, but will become one, but I will keep those who are truly suited for my life.
So there is my musing, I hope I bored you enough that you will never read this again. I am only kidding, I actually think of having people read my posts as a sort of cosmic pat on the back, that I am one of my fellow human beings and together, through similar experience, I am connected with something greater than myself.
Jeez Graham ... Your fucked in the head ... True ... But if I was any less fucked in the head I would appreciate that they, Oolong, is playing the chase music to The Life Aquatic ... So screw you too!!!
Youth is something that I will never understand, which is strange when you consider that I am a youth to so many people. Almost 25, oh god!!! As I am sitting in Oolong, trying to read Moby Dick I am reminded of the vast gap between me and the common high schooler. Here I am trying to read a cornerstone of North American literature and here are 10 teens talking about Katey Perry. Now ... For the longest time I though that Perry was some black person before I was corrected by a friend who was ... Surprised? By how out of the loop I am. I am not really sure even where to go with that. I try and look back and think of what were the hot topics when I was their age but all I can think about is fixing a transmission in mechanics, sitting on my ass in Drama class, and getting disillusioned by my Sports Med teacher. I don't remember at all what we were talking about. Now admittedly I do drink from time to time so you could point to that as a reason for my deteriorated memory but I offer a decenting opinion. Maybe the things we were talking about were so profoundly pointless that they were not worth remembering at all. I have my doubts that these kids will remember anything about Katey Perry when they are my age, maybe they will actually end up knowing less about her than I do. Hmm ... Maybe I am not so different as I had first thought.
It is really hard to bitch on your blog if you have nothing to bitch about. Thanks a lot world, you are ruining my blog!! I really don't think many people read these to hear about what is new and good in a persons life but to be able to say "oh my god, what is wrong with Graham?!" or "thank god I'm not Graham!!!" you can tell I am very religious. But when you sit down with the desire to vent but have nothing to complain about all you can do is feel like a jackass. So that is basically where I am at.
I actually had a bit of a falling out with a dear friend of mine the other day, the extent of which I am not yet certain, but even that I don't see fit to complain about. Is it bugging me? Yes. Is it on my mind? Yes. But whatever happens with it I know will be for the best. I think the worst way to have a relationship of any kind is for there to be a lack of respect by it's participants. I was not feeling respected and ... In a convoluted way here I am. It is a strange thing to look on a past friendship with a bit of hindsight. You can sit here today and think, my god why did I do that *or why did they do that* and you can actually come up with answers. Answers that were completely separate from you just a couple days ago. Maybe living in the past is not such a bad idea, sure you will be behind but at least you will be seeing things more clearly.
I can't and won't say that I don't still care about this person because I still absolutely adore them but being able to adore someone and being able to get along with someone are two different things. In a very negative way I can vindicate myself by the divorce rate. Roughly 50% or marriages end in divorce, so that means at least 50% of people
have the same problem as me. Being able to adore someone with out being able to get along with them. It may be helpful to the reader for me to explain what happened and give more details but I can respect someone without being able to really get along with them too.
I have actually been doing my share of dating lately, I have been in the early stages with two seemingly great guys, and I am working to get to know them. Graham!!! Are you stringing two guys along?! OF COURSE I AM!!! If you consider going on three dates with each and not knowing who compliments you better as leading someone on. It is of interest though what with my semi-falling out with a dear friend to see how a relationship can deteriorate. Over time things change and like anything things can change for the better or the worse. 50% of those marriages, the successful ones, have their relationships change, time changes all, yet they still have the foundation as well as the new things to keep there interest and make them happy with each other. But the other 50% go through what I muse may be similar to my situation with this friend, who I will now refer to as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle since I tire of not being able to speak fluently. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and I started out as being inseparable and really I know that we have changed over time, when I met them I was still in the closet, but we had worked past all those types of wrinkles smoothly. It was actually when we both started to settle that the holes started to show, and ignore them as we might, they did not go away.
In such a matter I assume romantic relationships falter. The little things, the ones that truly make up life, begin to pile up and then voids start between people. I am learning quickly that things are best dealt with at the time that the issue presents itself. Jeez Graham, you just started seeing a couple guys and you are already talking breakups? Well yes, but I am very much from the learn from your mistakes school of thought. Although it may take a while for a lesson to truly sink in, when it is in it stays in. So when I think about this possibly failed friendship in terms of foresight to future successes and failures then it is a very worth while lesson to learn, and a day that I learn something is a good day.
I may push people away from being confrontational with things that are not yet an issue, but will become one, but I will keep those who are truly suited for my life.
So there is my musing, I hope I bored you enough that you will never read this again. I am only kidding, I actually think of having people read my posts as a sort of cosmic pat on the back, that I am one of my fellow human beings and together, through similar experience, I am connected with something greater than myself.
Jeez Graham ... Your fucked in the head ... True ... But if I was any less fucked in the head I would appreciate that they, Oolong, is playing the chase music to The Life Aquatic ... So screw you too!!!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Santa at the Mall is Drunk off his ass
The Santa at the Mall is Drunk off is ass
December has come and soon it will go
Lots of things to do to set up the show
Christmas and presents candy and food
So much to do to set up the mood
When I was a kid I asked for a reindeer
The Santa at the mall has just chugged a beer
Tripping and fumbling burping and stinking
I think that guy's having troubles Thinkin'
Me and the kids went to the mall where everything was up
Looking at the toys and seeing Santa's hut
Trees and lights red white and green
Over in the bushes the Santa is peen'
All around the parents are getting really mad
Watching this guys is getting pretty sad
Stained and swearing upset and confused
The Santa just gave that man a heck of a bruise
I took my kids hands and said we had to go
Taking off his clothes santa gave us a show
Pasty and ugly dumb and without class
The santa at the mall is drunk off his ass
Drunk off his ass!
December has come and soon it will go
Lots of things to do to set up the show
Christmas and presents candy and food
So much to do to set up the mood
When I was a kid I asked for a reindeer
The Santa at the mall has just chugged a beer
Tripping and fumbling burping and stinking
I think that guy's having troubles Thinkin'
Me and the kids went to the mall where everything was up
Looking at the toys and seeing Santa's hut
Trees and lights red white and green
Over in the bushes the Santa is peen'
All around the parents are getting really mad
Watching this guys is getting pretty sad
Stained and swearing upset and confused
The Santa just gave that man a heck of a bruise
I took my kids hands and said we had to go
Taking off his clothes santa gave us a show
Pasty and ugly dumb and without class
The santa at the mall is drunk off his ass
Drunk off his ass!
Intro funny songs/Traci Shannon and the Plaids/The Ballard of Ol' Jimmy Clem
I am not going to use real names in this blog and I think it would be inappropriate so ... Me and my friend Fernando Lopez, a friend of over 13 years, started a band for fun and to waste time. Our band is called Traci Shannon and the Plaids. To make ip for the fact that we are not all that good I am using my writing skills to construct funny songs while Fernando knows how to play the guitar.
The Ballard of Ol' Jimmy Clem
*Spoken
This is a little story about grown up
When I was a little one my dad said listen up son
This is something you need to know about life
Life in south Carolina
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start liken' hookers
Your momma ain't touch my dick in years
Ol' Jimmy Clem pegged her last year
And that's is why I gave the bitch a cauliflower ear
*Spoken
As I grew up he taught me about life
He showed how to shoot a deer
He said boy you better know to fend for yourself
Food stamps don't go far when you can't afford condoms
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start drinkin' whiske
Bein' in a bar gets you away from home
You may start a fight but who really cares
Ol Sherif Derment passed out hours ago
*Spoken
The older I got the more I learned
He showed me how to drive a truck
He showed how to hate people that are different
I don't think I could ever thank him enough
He said boy you better drop out of school
That fancy book learning' ain't never help nobody
I have been selling gasoline for 20 years
Just remember the whiskey so you forget all the tears
The Ballard of Ol' Jimmy Clem
*Spoken
This is a little story about grown up
When I was a little one my dad said listen up son
This is something you need to know about life
Life in south Carolina
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start liken' hookers
Your momma ain't touch my dick in years
Ol' Jimmy Clem pegged her last year
And that's is why I gave the bitch a cauliflower ear
*Spoken
As I grew up he taught me about life
He showed how to shoot a deer
He said boy you better know to fend for yourself
Food stamps don't go far when you can't afford condoms
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start drinkin' whiske
Bein' in a bar gets you away from home
You may start a fight but who really cares
Ol Sherif Derment passed out hours ago
*Spoken
The older I got the more I learned
He showed me how to drive a truck
He showed how to hate people that are different
I don't think I could ever thank him enough
He said boy you better drop out of school
That fancy book learning' ain't never help nobody
I have been selling gasoline for 20 years
Just remember the whiskey so you forget all the tears
Better run through the jungle
Lead with a joke:
Part of this post deals with the odd things people don't realize they are doing and to that end I extend to you your new pet peeve. Once I say this the glass with shatter and you too will realize just how annoying this is. I enjoy reading the occasional comic book and in my geekier moments talk about what super powers one would have if they could pick one. Mine would be Dr. Manhattan's power of omnipotence, which is basically the word used to descride the power of god, pretty sweet eh? But undoublty the number one power people tell me they would like is to be able to read minds which to me is a nightmare situation. The pet peeve I am eluding to is when people thoughtlessly reveal their internal monologue, for example. You are waiting at in line at the drug store and the person in front of you is talking to himself. "do I need stamps? ... ... No I think I got some ... But ... I think I sent a letter last week, did I use the rest of them? ... No ... Yes ... No ... Maybe I should just get some ... Did I send a letter last week?" There are many different versions of this such as one not being sure if they have milk. Graham ya dope this whole blog relates pretty close to your internal monologue. ... Yeah, well what is your blog about jerk!? I like most people have hypocritical moments ... At least I have the decency to choose a forum that people can chose to ignore instead of a fucking grocery line. You call that a joke?!
The strangest moment of the last few days:
I got home late on New Years Eve and when I got there there were a group of 6 women standing outside my door. My one roommate is on the Dino's Womens Basketball team and our place is a revolving door of fit, slender young women who are just starting their new post High School lives; I am a couple years older than my roomies. This is a wonderful example that god, Karma, the universe or whatever deity you choose to or choose not to believe in has a sense of humor. Here is a guy that has spent his entirely sexually mature life (I am even not sure if I am allowed to use mature in context of my sexuality) looking for a women that would save me from my homosexual reality, obviously that never happened. So when I finally come to terms with the fact of my situation Karma, the deity I believe strongest in, thinks it would be a real laugh riot to troop dozens of wonderful, attractive, and stable women in front of me. I would tell Karma to fuck off but I think he may have an issue with that ... ... Do I need stamps?
The meat:
I will start the meat of this post which the disclaimer that I have dificulties talking to all men, less so of course if i have known them for a long time. There is some sort of intangible part of my mind that over the years of repression or ... Whatever ... I have subconsciously associated dealing with other men means me being in a position of having less power than i would when dealing with male friends, female friends and female strangers. Sometimes I think of myself as very aware of the social sitituations around me and sometimes a lot less. Flirting for example completely eludes me. Short of holding a sign saying "I am flirting with you, yes you, Graham Wetmore" then flirting with me presents an up hill battle. But things such as including people into a group, knowing when to talk and when to shut up, sensing peoples ease and comfort ... That stuff I am golden with. It amazes me, maybe in the way one might be amazed how flirting inept I can be, how some people are completely unconious of how their actions effect the people around them. I am sitting at Starbucks, I heard lots of gay guys work at Starbucks so here I am, and there is a couple or people on a date sitting next to me. Graham! It is rude to talk about people like this! Well maybe I am one of the assholes I am talking about. But at any rate this guy has been completely monopolizing the conversation and this poor girl can't get a word in edge wise. She is bored, looking around and holding her head in her hand and this dufus is 100% missing the social cues here. I got here 30 minutes ago and about 20 minutes he has spent on the phone arguing about how his New Years plans got messed up and giving this woman the one second hand gesture. Graham, why are you bringing this up? Well this is one of those things that I can't help but find interesting. I am reading a book called Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guys Guide to Dating, because that is just how cool I am, and I am trying to learn a lot of these things that have always gotten by me.
The more narsasistic part of me wonders what am I missing and how do other people react to that. I don't mean to say that I am sitting here suspecting that I am a total retard, I am perfectly aware of how retarded I am, I am wondering how many good guys I have walked right past and how many of them I was looking right at. It is incredibly frustrating. So frustrating that it has led me to read such books at the one I had mentioned. I have never been a ladies man, even though most of my friends are ladies, when I was trying to date women I was the Governor of Friend County, a higher rank than mayor of friend town I might add. I could spend days listing the reasons why my attempts to date women and some reasons would be far less obvious than others. I don't want to attack my friends, more so than any other reason I am blessed to have the wonderful people in my life, but it seems at times that I have a lot of the friends I want and few of the friends I need. As a practical learner I learn by doing things and if I don't know how to do something, if I am not shown, then I can have a hell of a time learning. I had been told that when one comes out it takes about 6 months to sort of settle into things which created a mental due date of December for when I would get my feet on the ground. Hey Graham, this blog does not seem like one that would be created by so someone with their feet on the ground? No fucking kidding eh? Another graduate of the Sherlock School of Deduction. I don't want to kick or be rude to what few readers I may manage to dig up but ... Maybe I will from time to time. Not to alienate but to add a different continuity to the boring ramblings that I type.
At any rate some of you will be familiar with "the illusion of an island" saying in regards to health and well being. What this is is a imagined manifestation of the pay offs we will have when we reach certain goals, if you are drowning it gives you the "island" to swim for. So at any rate my island turned out to be a mirage, what a pisser, and the island that I am swimming for is actually way down the horizon. That's fine, I get it, these things happen. So currently I am looking to have an actual island to swim for which means a change of approach. Instead of waiting and hoping for some help I am going to do my best to help myself. When I say that I would like to have someone to help me what I mean is that I would LOVE!!!! to have someone say that boy is cute let's go talk to him. Graham, that's silly you can just go and talk to him yourself. No, actually I COULD go up and talk to him, I am good at meeting people and can make friends relatively easily, what is stopping me is fear. I have done a lot to rid the fear that I have had in my life and I am very proud to think of the surprisingly often number of times I am told that I am brave. Just so I don't sound like I am tooting my own horn here in the last year I comforted my feelings and came out of the closet, I have jumped out of a plane, I tried at least to go bungee jumping, I got my tounge pierced, rid myself of my fear of dogs, and dealt with the fact that by nature a lot of people don't know me as well as they thought (I have lost a lot of friendships this past year). But going up to some cute guy and starting a conversation is like telling me "Graham quick that man is having a heart attack." ... It has been years since I took first aid and have no idea how to go about dealing with that situation. I can't do something if I genuinely don't know how to go about it. Graham, just do what you used to do with women!! Oh! I see ... I am supposed to not have sex, ever! (I have had sex but have 0 experience with men) trying to get me to relate dating women to dating men for me is like telling a brain surgeon to groom a dog in the way he might treat a patent. There is a disconnect stemming for the 0 amount of female romance I have had with the romance that I hope to have with men.
What do you just whine all day Graham? ... YES! Well actually no but I am one that just can not turn his mind off, I have always had a terrible time relaxing because I think constantly. It is a fine line that I run but I am very glad to know, others know this too, that despite this silly blog I am generally a very chill calm and confident person. As that chill confident person however I spend a lot of time thinking about the goals I have not accomplished and ways to achieve them. Maybe now you can see why dating is hard for me because I spend a lot of the time thinking about it and little to no time knowing how to go about getting what I want from it.
So I guess that is my shpeal ... I am going to launch an initiative about trying to get what I want from this area of my life and the strange areas my wanderings lead. Hopefully these will be more exciting than this post.
Just to end this cleanly I am made hopeful by my Jones Cola. The "fortune" under my cap says: "You have got a way with words, maximize on it." Thanks Karma!!
Part of this post deals with the odd things people don't realize they are doing and to that end I extend to you your new pet peeve. Once I say this the glass with shatter and you too will realize just how annoying this is. I enjoy reading the occasional comic book and in my geekier moments talk about what super powers one would have if they could pick one. Mine would be Dr. Manhattan's power of omnipotence, which is basically the word used to descride the power of god, pretty sweet eh? But undoublty the number one power people tell me they would like is to be able to read minds which to me is a nightmare situation. The pet peeve I am eluding to is when people thoughtlessly reveal their internal monologue, for example. You are waiting at in line at the drug store and the person in front of you is talking to himself. "do I need stamps? ... ... No I think I got some ... But ... I think I sent a letter last week, did I use the rest of them? ... No ... Yes ... No ... Maybe I should just get some ... Did I send a letter last week?" There are many different versions of this such as one not being sure if they have milk. Graham ya dope this whole blog relates pretty close to your internal monologue. ... Yeah, well what is your blog about jerk!? I like most people have hypocritical moments ... At least I have the decency to choose a forum that people can chose to ignore instead of a fucking grocery line. You call that a joke?!
The strangest moment of the last few days:
I got home late on New Years Eve and when I got there there were a group of 6 women standing outside my door. My one roommate is on the Dino's Womens Basketball team and our place is a revolving door of fit, slender young women who are just starting their new post High School lives; I am a couple years older than my roomies. This is a wonderful example that god, Karma, the universe or whatever deity you choose to or choose not to believe in has a sense of humor. Here is a guy that has spent his entirely sexually mature life (I am even not sure if I am allowed to use mature in context of my sexuality) looking for a women that would save me from my homosexual reality, obviously that never happened. So when I finally come to terms with the fact of my situation Karma, the deity I believe strongest in, thinks it would be a real laugh riot to troop dozens of wonderful, attractive, and stable women in front of me. I would tell Karma to fuck off but I think he may have an issue with that ... ... Do I need stamps?
The meat:
I will start the meat of this post which the disclaimer that I have dificulties talking to all men, less so of course if i have known them for a long time. There is some sort of intangible part of my mind that over the years of repression or ... Whatever ... I have subconsciously associated dealing with other men means me being in a position of having less power than i would when dealing with male friends, female friends and female strangers. Sometimes I think of myself as very aware of the social sitituations around me and sometimes a lot less. Flirting for example completely eludes me. Short of holding a sign saying "I am flirting with you, yes you, Graham Wetmore" then flirting with me presents an up hill battle. But things such as including people into a group, knowing when to talk and when to shut up, sensing peoples ease and comfort ... That stuff I am golden with. It amazes me, maybe in the way one might be amazed how flirting inept I can be, how some people are completely unconious of how their actions effect the people around them. I am sitting at Starbucks, I heard lots of gay guys work at Starbucks so here I am, and there is a couple or people on a date sitting next to me. Graham! It is rude to talk about people like this! Well maybe I am one of the assholes I am talking about. But at any rate this guy has been completely monopolizing the conversation and this poor girl can't get a word in edge wise. She is bored, looking around and holding her head in her hand and this dufus is 100% missing the social cues here. I got here 30 minutes ago and about 20 minutes he has spent on the phone arguing about how his New Years plans got messed up and giving this woman the one second hand gesture. Graham, why are you bringing this up? Well this is one of those things that I can't help but find interesting. I am reading a book called Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guys Guide to Dating, because that is just how cool I am, and I am trying to learn a lot of these things that have always gotten by me.
The more narsasistic part of me wonders what am I missing and how do other people react to that. I don't mean to say that I am sitting here suspecting that I am a total retard, I am perfectly aware of how retarded I am, I am wondering how many good guys I have walked right past and how many of them I was looking right at. It is incredibly frustrating. So frustrating that it has led me to read such books at the one I had mentioned. I have never been a ladies man, even though most of my friends are ladies, when I was trying to date women I was the Governor of Friend County, a higher rank than mayor of friend town I might add. I could spend days listing the reasons why my attempts to date women and some reasons would be far less obvious than others. I don't want to attack my friends, more so than any other reason I am blessed to have the wonderful people in my life, but it seems at times that I have a lot of the friends I want and few of the friends I need. As a practical learner I learn by doing things and if I don't know how to do something, if I am not shown, then I can have a hell of a time learning. I had been told that when one comes out it takes about 6 months to sort of settle into things which created a mental due date of December for when I would get my feet on the ground. Hey Graham, this blog does not seem like one that would be created by so someone with their feet on the ground? No fucking kidding eh? Another graduate of the Sherlock School of Deduction. I don't want to kick or be rude to what few readers I may manage to dig up but ... Maybe I will from time to time. Not to alienate but to add a different continuity to the boring ramblings that I type.
At any rate some of you will be familiar with "the illusion of an island" saying in regards to health and well being. What this is is a imagined manifestation of the pay offs we will have when we reach certain goals, if you are drowning it gives you the "island" to swim for. So at any rate my island turned out to be a mirage, what a pisser, and the island that I am swimming for is actually way down the horizon. That's fine, I get it, these things happen. So currently I am looking to have an actual island to swim for which means a change of approach. Instead of waiting and hoping for some help I am going to do my best to help myself. When I say that I would like to have someone to help me what I mean is that I would LOVE!!!! to have someone say that boy is cute let's go talk to him. Graham, that's silly you can just go and talk to him yourself. No, actually I COULD go up and talk to him, I am good at meeting people and can make friends relatively easily, what is stopping me is fear. I have done a lot to rid the fear that I have had in my life and I am very proud to think of the surprisingly often number of times I am told that I am brave. Just so I don't sound like I am tooting my own horn here in the last year I comforted my feelings and came out of the closet, I have jumped out of a plane, I tried at least to go bungee jumping, I got my tounge pierced, rid myself of my fear of dogs, and dealt with the fact that by nature a lot of people don't know me as well as they thought (I have lost a lot of friendships this past year). But going up to some cute guy and starting a conversation is like telling me "Graham quick that man is having a heart attack." ... It has been years since I took first aid and have no idea how to go about dealing with that situation. I can't do something if I genuinely don't know how to go about it. Graham, just do what you used to do with women!! Oh! I see ... I am supposed to not have sex, ever! (I have had sex but have 0 experience with men) trying to get me to relate dating women to dating men for me is like telling a brain surgeon to groom a dog in the way he might treat a patent. There is a disconnect stemming for the 0 amount of female romance I have had with the romance that I hope to have with men.
What do you just whine all day Graham? ... YES! Well actually no but I am one that just can not turn his mind off, I have always had a terrible time relaxing because I think constantly. It is a fine line that I run but I am very glad to know, others know this too, that despite this silly blog I am generally a very chill calm and confident person. As that chill confident person however I spend a lot of time thinking about the goals I have not accomplished and ways to achieve them. Maybe now you can see why dating is hard for me because I spend a lot of the time thinking about it and little to no time knowing how to go about getting what I want from it.
So I guess that is my shpeal ... I am going to launch an initiative about trying to get what I want from this area of my life and the strange areas my wanderings lead. Hopefully these will be more exciting than this post.
Just to end this cleanly I am made hopeful by my Jones Cola. The "fortune" under my cap says: "You have got a way with words, maximize on it." Thanks Karma!!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Day 1 / Disclaimer
Part 1: Get peoples attention
I am a very big fan of Dan Savage. Frankly the reward of listening to his podcasts is frequently the reason I am able to come to work everyday. When you work at a computer the mind can wander greatly. I was listening today to episode 144, for the keeners out there, and this woman said that she likes to tie her BF up to kitchen appliances. The odd thing about it though was that was not what she was calling about; she said it like one might in regular conversation. This to me stirs up the image of this women at MacDonald’s propositioning the staff to let her tie them up to the deep fryer, like those kids aren’t greasy enough already. As a big fan of the show I have always wanted to call in but if ever I am as retarded as some of these people please have the decency to shoot me. It amazes me how bat shit crazy people can be, which I admittedly should not be too surprised about since I fall in that category, and it amazes me that these people are the ones that sit next to you on the bus, or movie theater ... So next time you go the mall ask yourself ... Does the women in front of me like to shove squirrels up her nose for the sexual thrill? Does the old guy sitting on the bench all day like to get kicked in the junk? ... Maybe give him a kick to find out.
Part 2: What the fuck am I doing!?
I had a bit of a what the fuck am I doing moment while I was making this mostly due to the fact that I ... Frankly, did not wake up this morning thinking I would start a blog. I was talking with my friend Val and she said she was starting one and I thought it would be cool (Oh yeah, writing out all your inner most thoughts on the internet WHAT COULD GO WRONG!?) so basically here we are. Another reason that made me believe that this could work is that I have just finished reading Lewis Black's "I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas" in which he describes, as a Jew, how the Christmas season has effected him and his life and while reading it I was amazed at how personal, frank, and open he was about his insecurities and the humor in which he frames the situations that he is in. I actually greatly admired the book and unable to watch some of his TV specials because I think I am getting short changed by not getting any hints of him as a broader human being.
Part 3: Disclaimer
So as for the disclaimer part I will say that this is an R-rated blog ... Meaning I will swear TASTEFULLY ... As much as I fucking want to ... This blog will deal with sexuality issues as well as my personal issues, and believe me you don't start a blog called Ramblings of a Gay Spaz without having issues, but it is my hope that this will all be framed in a light hearted and comedic way.
I am a very big fan of Dan Savage. Frankly the reward of listening to his podcasts is frequently the reason I am able to come to work everyday. When you work at a computer the mind can wander greatly. I was listening today to episode 144, for the keeners out there, and this woman said that she likes to tie her BF up to kitchen appliances. The odd thing about it though was that was not what she was calling about; she said it like one might in regular conversation. This to me stirs up the image of this women at MacDonald’s propositioning the staff to let her tie them up to the deep fryer, like those kids aren’t greasy enough already. As a big fan of the show I have always wanted to call in but if ever I am as retarded as some of these people please have the decency to shoot me. It amazes me how bat shit crazy people can be, which I admittedly should not be too surprised about since I fall in that category, and it amazes me that these people are the ones that sit next to you on the bus, or movie theater ... So next time you go the mall ask yourself ... Does the women in front of me like to shove squirrels up her nose for the sexual thrill? Does the old guy sitting on the bench all day like to get kicked in the junk? ... Maybe give him a kick to find out.
Part 2: What the fuck am I doing!?
I had a bit of a what the fuck am I doing moment while I was making this mostly due to the fact that I ... Frankly, did not wake up this morning thinking I would start a blog. I was talking with my friend Val and she said she was starting one and I thought it would be cool (Oh yeah, writing out all your inner most thoughts on the internet WHAT COULD GO WRONG!?) so basically here we are. Another reason that made me believe that this could work is that I have just finished reading Lewis Black's "I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas" in which he describes, as a Jew, how the Christmas season has effected him and his life and while reading it I was amazed at how personal, frank, and open he was about his insecurities and the humor in which he frames the situations that he is in. I actually greatly admired the book and unable to watch some of his TV specials because I think I am getting short changed by not getting any hints of him as a broader human being.
Part 3: Disclaimer
So as for the disclaimer part I will say that this is an R-rated blog ... Meaning I will swear TASTEFULLY ... As much as I fucking want to ... This blog will deal with sexuality issues as well as my personal issues, and believe me you don't start a blog called Ramblings of a Gay Spaz without having issues, but it is my hope that this will all be framed in a light hearted and comedic way.
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