The Santa at the Mall is Drunk off is ass
December has come and soon it will go
Lots of things to do to set up the show
Christmas and presents candy and food
So much to do to set up the mood
When I was a kid I asked for a reindeer
The Santa at the mall has just chugged a beer
Tripping and fumbling burping and stinking
I think that guy's having troubles Thinkin'
Me and the kids went to the mall where everything was up
Looking at the toys and seeing Santa's hut
Trees and lights red white and green
Over in the bushes the Santa is peen'
All around the parents are getting really mad
Watching this guys is getting pretty sad
Stained and swearing upset and confused
The Santa just gave that man a heck of a bruise
I took my kids hands and said we had to go
Taking off his clothes santa gave us a show
Pasty and ugly dumb and without class
The santa at the mall is drunk off his ass
Drunk off his ass!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Intro funny songs/Traci Shannon and the Plaids/The Ballard of Ol' Jimmy Clem
I am not going to use real names in this blog and I think it would be inappropriate so ... Me and my friend Fernando Lopez, a friend of over 13 years, started a band for fun and to waste time. Our band is called Traci Shannon and the Plaids. To make ip for the fact that we are not all that good I am using my writing skills to construct funny songs while Fernando knows how to play the guitar.
The Ballard of Ol' Jimmy Clem
*Spoken
This is a little story about grown up
When I was a little one my dad said listen up son
This is something you need to know about life
Life in south Carolina
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start liken' hookers
Your momma ain't touch my dick in years
Ol' Jimmy Clem pegged her last year
And that's is why I gave the bitch a cauliflower ear
*Spoken
As I grew up he taught me about life
He showed how to shoot a deer
He said boy you better know to fend for yourself
Food stamps don't go far when you can't afford condoms
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start drinkin' whiske
Bein' in a bar gets you away from home
You may start a fight but who really cares
Ol Sherif Derment passed out hours ago
*Spoken
The older I got the more I learned
He showed me how to drive a truck
He showed how to hate people that are different
I don't think I could ever thank him enough
He said boy you better drop out of school
That fancy book learning' ain't never help nobody
I have been selling gasoline for 20 years
Just remember the whiskey so you forget all the tears
The Ballard of Ol' Jimmy Clem
*Spoken
This is a little story about grown up
When I was a little one my dad said listen up son
This is something you need to know about life
Life in south Carolina
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start liken' hookers
Your momma ain't touch my dick in years
Ol' Jimmy Clem pegged her last year
And that's is why I gave the bitch a cauliflower ear
*Spoken
As I grew up he taught me about life
He showed how to shoot a deer
He said boy you better know to fend for yourself
Food stamps don't go far when you can't afford condoms
*Chorus sing
He said boy you better start drinkin' whiske
Bein' in a bar gets you away from home
You may start a fight but who really cares
Ol Sherif Derment passed out hours ago
*Spoken
The older I got the more I learned
He showed me how to drive a truck
He showed how to hate people that are different
I don't think I could ever thank him enough
He said boy you better drop out of school
That fancy book learning' ain't never help nobody
I have been selling gasoline for 20 years
Just remember the whiskey so you forget all the tears
Better run through the jungle
Lead with a joke:
Part of this post deals with the odd things people don't realize they are doing and to that end I extend to you your new pet peeve. Once I say this the glass with shatter and you too will realize just how annoying this is. I enjoy reading the occasional comic book and in my geekier moments talk about what super powers one would have if they could pick one. Mine would be Dr. Manhattan's power of omnipotence, which is basically the word used to descride the power of god, pretty sweet eh? But undoublty the number one power people tell me they would like is to be able to read minds which to me is a nightmare situation. The pet peeve I am eluding to is when people thoughtlessly reveal their internal monologue, for example. You are waiting at in line at the drug store and the person in front of you is talking to himself. "do I need stamps? ... ... No I think I got some ... But ... I think I sent a letter last week, did I use the rest of them? ... No ... Yes ... No ... Maybe I should just get some ... Did I send a letter last week?" There are many different versions of this such as one not being sure if they have milk. Graham ya dope this whole blog relates pretty close to your internal monologue. ... Yeah, well what is your blog about jerk!? I like most people have hypocritical moments ... At least I have the decency to choose a forum that people can chose to ignore instead of a fucking grocery line. You call that a joke?!
The strangest moment of the last few days:
I got home late on New Years Eve and when I got there there were a group of 6 women standing outside my door. My one roommate is on the Dino's Womens Basketball team and our place is a revolving door of fit, slender young women who are just starting their new post High School lives; I am a couple years older than my roomies. This is a wonderful example that god, Karma, the universe or whatever deity you choose to or choose not to believe in has a sense of humor. Here is a guy that has spent his entirely sexually mature life (I am even not sure if I am allowed to use mature in context of my sexuality) looking for a women that would save me from my homosexual reality, obviously that never happened. So when I finally come to terms with the fact of my situation Karma, the deity I believe strongest in, thinks it would be a real laugh riot to troop dozens of wonderful, attractive, and stable women in front of me. I would tell Karma to fuck off but I think he may have an issue with that ... ... Do I need stamps?
The meat:
I will start the meat of this post which the disclaimer that I have dificulties talking to all men, less so of course if i have known them for a long time. There is some sort of intangible part of my mind that over the years of repression or ... Whatever ... I have subconsciously associated dealing with other men means me being in a position of having less power than i would when dealing with male friends, female friends and female strangers. Sometimes I think of myself as very aware of the social sitituations around me and sometimes a lot less. Flirting for example completely eludes me. Short of holding a sign saying "I am flirting with you, yes you, Graham Wetmore" then flirting with me presents an up hill battle. But things such as including people into a group, knowing when to talk and when to shut up, sensing peoples ease and comfort ... That stuff I am golden with. It amazes me, maybe in the way one might be amazed how flirting inept I can be, how some people are completely unconious of how their actions effect the people around them. I am sitting at Starbucks, I heard lots of gay guys work at Starbucks so here I am, and there is a couple or people on a date sitting next to me. Graham! It is rude to talk about people like this! Well maybe I am one of the assholes I am talking about. But at any rate this guy has been completely monopolizing the conversation and this poor girl can't get a word in edge wise. She is bored, looking around and holding her head in her hand and this dufus is 100% missing the social cues here. I got here 30 minutes ago and about 20 minutes he has spent on the phone arguing about how his New Years plans got messed up and giving this woman the one second hand gesture. Graham, why are you bringing this up? Well this is one of those things that I can't help but find interesting. I am reading a book called Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guys Guide to Dating, because that is just how cool I am, and I am trying to learn a lot of these things that have always gotten by me.
The more narsasistic part of me wonders what am I missing and how do other people react to that. I don't mean to say that I am sitting here suspecting that I am a total retard, I am perfectly aware of how retarded I am, I am wondering how many good guys I have walked right past and how many of them I was looking right at. It is incredibly frustrating. So frustrating that it has led me to read such books at the one I had mentioned. I have never been a ladies man, even though most of my friends are ladies, when I was trying to date women I was the Governor of Friend County, a higher rank than mayor of friend town I might add. I could spend days listing the reasons why my attempts to date women and some reasons would be far less obvious than others. I don't want to attack my friends, more so than any other reason I am blessed to have the wonderful people in my life, but it seems at times that I have a lot of the friends I want and few of the friends I need. As a practical learner I learn by doing things and if I don't know how to do something, if I am not shown, then I can have a hell of a time learning. I had been told that when one comes out it takes about 6 months to sort of settle into things which created a mental due date of December for when I would get my feet on the ground. Hey Graham, this blog does not seem like one that would be created by so someone with their feet on the ground? No fucking kidding eh? Another graduate of the Sherlock School of Deduction. I don't want to kick or be rude to what few readers I may manage to dig up but ... Maybe I will from time to time. Not to alienate but to add a different continuity to the boring ramblings that I type.
At any rate some of you will be familiar with "the illusion of an island" saying in regards to health and well being. What this is is a imagined manifestation of the pay offs we will have when we reach certain goals, if you are drowning it gives you the "island" to swim for. So at any rate my island turned out to be a mirage, what a pisser, and the island that I am swimming for is actually way down the horizon. That's fine, I get it, these things happen. So currently I am looking to have an actual island to swim for which means a change of approach. Instead of waiting and hoping for some help I am going to do my best to help myself. When I say that I would like to have someone to help me what I mean is that I would LOVE!!!! to have someone say that boy is cute let's go talk to him. Graham, that's silly you can just go and talk to him yourself. No, actually I COULD go up and talk to him, I am good at meeting people and can make friends relatively easily, what is stopping me is fear. I have done a lot to rid the fear that I have had in my life and I am very proud to think of the surprisingly often number of times I am told that I am brave. Just so I don't sound like I am tooting my own horn here in the last year I comforted my feelings and came out of the closet, I have jumped out of a plane, I tried at least to go bungee jumping, I got my tounge pierced, rid myself of my fear of dogs, and dealt with the fact that by nature a lot of people don't know me as well as they thought (I have lost a lot of friendships this past year). But going up to some cute guy and starting a conversation is like telling me "Graham quick that man is having a heart attack." ... It has been years since I took first aid and have no idea how to go about dealing with that situation. I can't do something if I genuinely don't know how to go about it. Graham, just do what you used to do with women!! Oh! I see ... I am supposed to not have sex, ever! (I have had sex but have 0 experience with men) trying to get me to relate dating women to dating men for me is like telling a brain surgeon to groom a dog in the way he might treat a patent. There is a disconnect stemming for the 0 amount of female romance I have had with the romance that I hope to have with men.
What do you just whine all day Graham? ... YES! Well actually no but I am one that just can not turn his mind off, I have always had a terrible time relaxing because I think constantly. It is a fine line that I run but I am very glad to know, others know this too, that despite this silly blog I am generally a very chill calm and confident person. As that chill confident person however I spend a lot of time thinking about the goals I have not accomplished and ways to achieve them. Maybe now you can see why dating is hard for me because I spend a lot of the time thinking about it and little to no time knowing how to go about getting what I want from it.
So I guess that is my shpeal ... I am going to launch an initiative about trying to get what I want from this area of my life and the strange areas my wanderings lead. Hopefully these will be more exciting than this post.
Just to end this cleanly I am made hopeful by my Jones Cola. The "fortune" under my cap says: "You have got a way with words, maximize on it." Thanks Karma!!
Part of this post deals with the odd things people don't realize they are doing and to that end I extend to you your new pet peeve. Once I say this the glass with shatter and you too will realize just how annoying this is. I enjoy reading the occasional comic book and in my geekier moments talk about what super powers one would have if they could pick one. Mine would be Dr. Manhattan's power of omnipotence, which is basically the word used to descride the power of god, pretty sweet eh? But undoublty the number one power people tell me they would like is to be able to read minds which to me is a nightmare situation. The pet peeve I am eluding to is when people thoughtlessly reveal their internal monologue, for example. You are waiting at in line at the drug store and the person in front of you is talking to himself. "do I need stamps? ... ... No I think I got some ... But ... I think I sent a letter last week, did I use the rest of them? ... No ... Yes ... No ... Maybe I should just get some ... Did I send a letter last week?" There are many different versions of this such as one not being sure if they have milk. Graham ya dope this whole blog relates pretty close to your internal monologue. ... Yeah, well what is your blog about jerk!? I like most people have hypocritical moments ... At least I have the decency to choose a forum that people can chose to ignore instead of a fucking grocery line. You call that a joke?!
The strangest moment of the last few days:
I got home late on New Years Eve and when I got there there were a group of 6 women standing outside my door. My one roommate is on the Dino's Womens Basketball team and our place is a revolving door of fit, slender young women who are just starting their new post High School lives; I am a couple years older than my roomies. This is a wonderful example that god, Karma, the universe or whatever deity you choose to or choose not to believe in has a sense of humor. Here is a guy that has spent his entirely sexually mature life (I am even not sure if I am allowed to use mature in context of my sexuality) looking for a women that would save me from my homosexual reality, obviously that never happened. So when I finally come to terms with the fact of my situation Karma, the deity I believe strongest in, thinks it would be a real laugh riot to troop dozens of wonderful, attractive, and stable women in front of me. I would tell Karma to fuck off but I think he may have an issue with that ... ... Do I need stamps?
The meat:
I will start the meat of this post which the disclaimer that I have dificulties talking to all men, less so of course if i have known them for a long time. There is some sort of intangible part of my mind that over the years of repression or ... Whatever ... I have subconsciously associated dealing with other men means me being in a position of having less power than i would when dealing with male friends, female friends and female strangers. Sometimes I think of myself as very aware of the social sitituations around me and sometimes a lot less. Flirting for example completely eludes me. Short of holding a sign saying "I am flirting with you, yes you, Graham Wetmore" then flirting with me presents an up hill battle. But things such as including people into a group, knowing when to talk and when to shut up, sensing peoples ease and comfort ... That stuff I am golden with. It amazes me, maybe in the way one might be amazed how flirting inept I can be, how some people are completely unconious of how their actions effect the people around them. I am sitting at Starbucks, I heard lots of gay guys work at Starbucks so here I am, and there is a couple or people on a date sitting next to me. Graham! It is rude to talk about people like this! Well maybe I am one of the assholes I am talking about. But at any rate this guy has been completely monopolizing the conversation and this poor girl can't get a word in edge wise. She is bored, looking around and holding her head in her hand and this dufus is 100% missing the social cues here. I got here 30 minutes ago and about 20 minutes he has spent on the phone arguing about how his New Years plans got messed up and giving this woman the one second hand gesture. Graham, why are you bringing this up? Well this is one of those things that I can't help but find interesting. I am reading a book called Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guys Guide to Dating, because that is just how cool I am, and I am trying to learn a lot of these things that have always gotten by me.
The more narsasistic part of me wonders what am I missing and how do other people react to that. I don't mean to say that I am sitting here suspecting that I am a total retard, I am perfectly aware of how retarded I am, I am wondering how many good guys I have walked right past and how many of them I was looking right at. It is incredibly frustrating. So frustrating that it has led me to read such books at the one I had mentioned. I have never been a ladies man, even though most of my friends are ladies, when I was trying to date women I was the Governor of Friend County, a higher rank than mayor of friend town I might add. I could spend days listing the reasons why my attempts to date women and some reasons would be far less obvious than others. I don't want to attack my friends, more so than any other reason I am blessed to have the wonderful people in my life, but it seems at times that I have a lot of the friends I want and few of the friends I need. As a practical learner I learn by doing things and if I don't know how to do something, if I am not shown, then I can have a hell of a time learning. I had been told that when one comes out it takes about 6 months to sort of settle into things which created a mental due date of December for when I would get my feet on the ground. Hey Graham, this blog does not seem like one that would be created by so someone with their feet on the ground? No fucking kidding eh? Another graduate of the Sherlock School of Deduction. I don't want to kick or be rude to what few readers I may manage to dig up but ... Maybe I will from time to time. Not to alienate but to add a different continuity to the boring ramblings that I type.
At any rate some of you will be familiar with "the illusion of an island" saying in regards to health and well being. What this is is a imagined manifestation of the pay offs we will have when we reach certain goals, if you are drowning it gives you the "island" to swim for. So at any rate my island turned out to be a mirage, what a pisser, and the island that I am swimming for is actually way down the horizon. That's fine, I get it, these things happen. So currently I am looking to have an actual island to swim for which means a change of approach. Instead of waiting and hoping for some help I am going to do my best to help myself. When I say that I would like to have someone to help me what I mean is that I would LOVE!!!! to have someone say that boy is cute let's go talk to him. Graham, that's silly you can just go and talk to him yourself. No, actually I COULD go up and talk to him, I am good at meeting people and can make friends relatively easily, what is stopping me is fear. I have done a lot to rid the fear that I have had in my life and I am very proud to think of the surprisingly often number of times I am told that I am brave. Just so I don't sound like I am tooting my own horn here in the last year I comforted my feelings and came out of the closet, I have jumped out of a plane, I tried at least to go bungee jumping, I got my tounge pierced, rid myself of my fear of dogs, and dealt with the fact that by nature a lot of people don't know me as well as they thought (I have lost a lot of friendships this past year). But going up to some cute guy and starting a conversation is like telling me "Graham quick that man is having a heart attack." ... It has been years since I took first aid and have no idea how to go about dealing with that situation. I can't do something if I genuinely don't know how to go about it. Graham, just do what you used to do with women!! Oh! I see ... I am supposed to not have sex, ever! (I have had sex but have 0 experience with men) trying to get me to relate dating women to dating men for me is like telling a brain surgeon to groom a dog in the way he might treat a patent. There is a disconnect stemming for the 0 amount of female romance I have had with the romance that I hope to have with men.
What do you just whine all day Graham? ... YES! Well actually no but I am one that just can not turn his mind off, I have always had a terrible time relaxing because I think constantly. It is a fine line that I run but I am very glad to know, others know this too, that despite this silly blog I am generally a very chill calm and confident person. As that chill confident person however I spend a lot of time thinking about the goals I have not accomplished and ways to achieve them. Maybe now you can see why dating is hard for me because I spend a lot of the time thinking about it and little to no time knowing how to go about getting what I want from it.
So I guess that is my shpeal ... I am going to launch an initiative about trying to get what I want from this area of my life and the strange areas my wanderings lead. Hopefully these will be more exciting than this post.
Just to end this cleanly I am made hopeful by my Jones Cola. The "fortune" under my cap says: "You have got a way with words, maximize on it." Thanks Karma!!
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