Musings

***This was written on Sunday Jan 31st

Youth is something that I will never understand, which is strange when you consider that I am a youth to so many people. Almost 25, oh god!!! As I am sitting in Oolong, trying to read Moby Dick I am reminded of the vast gap between me and the common high schooler. Here I am trying to read a cornerstone of North American literature and here are 10 teens talking about Katey Perry. Now ... For the longest time I though that Perry was some black person before I was corrected by a friend who was ... Surprised? By how out of the loop I am. I am not really sure even where to go with that. I try and look back and think of what were the hot topics when I was their age but all I can think about is fixing a transmission in mechanics, sitting on my ass in Drama class, and getting disillusioned by my Sports Med teacher. I don't remember at all what we were talking about. Now admittedly I do drink from time to time so you could point to that as a reason for my deteriorated memory but I offer a decenting opinion. Maybe the things we were talking about were so profoundly pointless that they were not worth remembering at all. I have my doubts that these kids will remember anything about Katey Perry when they are my age, maybe they will actually end up knowing less about her than I do. Hmm ... Maybe I am not so different as I had first thought.

It is really hard to bitch on your blog if you have nothing to bitch about. Thanks a lot world, you are ruining my blog!! I really don't think many people read these to hear about what is new and good in a persons life but to be able to say "oh my god, what is wrong with Graham?!" or "thank god I'm not Graham!!!" you can tell I am very religious. But when you sit down with the desire to vent but have nothing to complain about all you can do is feel like a jackass. So that is basically where I am at. 

I actually had a bit of a falling out with a dear friend of mine the other day, the extent of which I am not yet certain, but even that I don't see fit to complain about. Is it bugging me? Yes. Is it on my mind? Yes. But whatever happens with it I know will be for the best. I think the worst way to have a relationship of any kind is for there to be a lack of respect by it's participants. I was not feeling respected and ... In a convoluted way here I am. It is a strange thing to look on a past friendship with a bit of hindsight. You can sit here today and think, my god why did I do that *or why did they do that* and you can actually come up with answers. Answers that were completely separate from you just a couple days ago.  Maybe living in the past is not such a bad idea, sure you will be behind but at least you will be seeing things more clearly. 

I can't and won't say that I don't still care about this person because I still absolutely adore them but being able to adore someone and being able to get along with someone are two different things. In a very negative way I can vindicate myself by the divorce rate. Roughly 50% or marriages end in divorce, so that means at least 50% of people
have the same problem as me. Being able to adore someone with out being able to get along with them. It may be helpful to the reader for me to explain what happened and give more details but I can respect someone without being able to really get along with them too. 

I have actually been doing my share of dating lately, I have been in the early stages with two seemingly great guys, and I am working to get to know them. Graham!!! Are you stringing two guys along?! OF COURSE I AM!!! If you consider going on three dates with each and not knowing who compliments you better as leading someone on. It is of interest though what with my semi-falling out with a dear friend to see how a relationship can deteriorate. Over time things change and like anything things can change for the better or the worse. 50% of those marriages, the successful ones, have their relationships change, time changes all, yet they still have the foundation as well as the new things to keep there interest and make them happy with each other. But the other 50% go through what I muse may be similar to my situation with this friend, who I will now refer to as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle since I tire of not being able to speak fluently. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and I started out as being inseparable and really I know that we have changed over time, when I met them I was still in the closet, but we had worked past all those types of wrinkles smoothly. It was actually when we both started to settle that the holes started to show, and ignore them as we might, they did not go away. 

In such a matter I assume romantic relationships falter. The little things, the ones that truly make up life, begin to pile up and then voids start between people. I am learning quickly that things are best dealt with at the time that the issue presents itself. Jeez Graham, you just started seeing a couple guys and you are already talking breakups? Well yes, but I am very much from the learn from your mistakes school of thought. Although it may take a while for a lesson to truly sink in, when it is in it stays in. So when I think about this possibly failed friendship in terms of foresight to future successes and failures then it is a very worth while lesson to learn, and a day that I learn something is a good day. 

I may push people away from being confrontational with things that are not yet an issue, but will become one, but I will keep those who are truly suited for my life. 

So there is my musing, I hope I bored you enough that you will never read this again. I am only kidding, I actually think of having people read my posts as a sort of cosmic pat on the back, that I am one of my fellow human beings and together, through similar experience, I am connected with something greater than myself. 

Jeez Graham ... Your fucked in the head ... True ... But if I was any less fucked in the head I would appreciate that they, Oolong, is playing the chase music to The Life Aquatic ... So screw you too!!!